They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
