Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
