seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
