Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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