Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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