after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
