i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
