you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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