i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
