So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
