Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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