my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
