Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
