yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she peed on how many people?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
