sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
