Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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