my phone needs a breathalizer
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
