this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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