i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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