Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
