now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sext me about skeletons
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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