I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
