I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
