Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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