No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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