Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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