The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
