So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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