So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sext me about skeletons
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
