i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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