Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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