can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
