Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
