were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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