i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
