Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Never let your siblings swipe right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
