Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
