Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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