The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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