Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When are your genitals available?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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