I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
