We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
