When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
