im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
