Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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