Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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