He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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