I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
