My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
