I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
